It’s a big, big world..

Wow. I legitimately forgot I have a WordPress account. That’s really quite sad.. I feel like my inner blogger has been so put down and neglected she just doesn’t even know what to do anymore.

What do I do with my hands? How type? What topic? 

But somehow we’ll make it through this, and despite the fact I have to work in the morning, probably end up writing a far too long post about something nobody else cares about. Eh, why not right? 

This week has been the most confusing and conflicting of my entire life. Not only was I forced to choose between Psych and The Office for my number one favorite TV show, but everything I seem to have learned about life in high school turned out to be completely false. I’m not even technically out of high school yet, and I feel like I’ve been thrown into the real world without so much as a safety rope to keep me anchored. 

Your teenage years are all about “experiencing life” and “finding yourself”, but really, how much finding and experiencing can you do when you spend 90% of your time under the careful watch of an adult or the scrutiny of 25 peers? The answer is hardly any at all. Honestly I learned more about myself the first weekend I spent completely alone with people I didn’t know than through all of grade school. 

I think real learning comes from realizing that anything is possible, even the not so good stuff. I admit, sometimes while casually driving through town singing my heart out to Sweet Home Alabama with the windows down I’m struck with the fact that I could run over that elderly pedestrian (not that I EVER would). But seriously. While chopping the cucumbers for a salad I realize I could chop off my left pinky finger if I really wanted to. Maybe these thoughts make me crazy, but they’ve helped me come to terms with life. I might not be able to control hardly anything that happens to me, but I can control me. If I want to be more outgoing, I can do that. Professional rock climber? Better start with that mountain there.  Be one of the few people who know every word to One Week by the Barenaked Ladies? Done. My life, in the end, is about me.. and if i’m not the person I want to be nothing else is gonna seem right.

Lately nothing has seemed right, and I honestly have no clue what I want besides a strawberry milkshake and this Matchbox Twenty album to download on my iPod. But I know that things will turn out, and that i’m having the best time of my life with some of the coolest people I’ve ever known. If this is the chaos of the teenage years, it’s entirely worth it. 

Sometimes things don’t make sense, sometimes they hurt, but it’s all a part of the ride.

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This Is The Beginning Of Anything You Want

Lately i’ve been doing a lot of thinking (oh no), and like a good teenage girl (this can’t go anywhere nice), I will now blog about it (could you please not). 

Unlike the past few entries, I’m not crying my eyes out or even sitting with a glum look on my face in the dark talking to my cat about how we’re going to end up alone in a little pink house in Australia. It’s been a pretty good day, and a pretty good month for that matter. Things are looking up, and it’s made me realize just how selfish I am.

Yes, you heard me, selfish. 

Who the heck am I to be unhappy with my life…ever? I mean I have it really good, and not just in the “I’m an American citizen who could eat 8 burgers a day if I wanted” way, in the I have the most amazing people to spend time with and the opportunity to do absolutely anything I want with my life (granted I pass my SAT’s in June, no pressure). As such a privileged human being, I think I got way too complacent and frankly bored with my own life.

Think about every single movie you’ve ever watched in which the main characters travel to a different country on vacation.

Chances are, they were pretty happy about it! Lots of panorama shots of neon lit amusement parks at dusk while Snow Patrol plays some emotional roller-coaster of a song in the background (hey, you felt it too). But what I never realized, is people vacation here. Well, maybe not in Towanda PA, but America. We live in one awesome place with limitless things to do and experiences to be had, how dare I be bored? The lack of creativity in my past high school years is downright embarrassing. 

So from now on i’m making quite a few of those cheesy lists and promises to myself, first of all is to drop my fears. (Spiders, the dark, deep ocean, wrists…don’t ask) Second, is to take ANY chance at trying a new thing (within reason, don’t be scared). And third is to stop living with regrets. 

A lot of people talk about this one, even if just on a “yolo” level. But honestly, regrets don’t have to be the big ones. The things I regret most are not saying how I felt or speaking up about something, generally being painfully shy and socially awkward. I’m very done with that nonsense.  I have to learn that sometimes people aren’t going to like who you are or what you believe, and that’s ok. It’s not rude for me to have an opinion, and despite how silly that may sound, it’s taken nearly 17 years to figure it out 😛 

So I guess the point of this blog post is to hold myself accountable, whenever i’m “bored” or scared or anxious in the future I need to come back to this and knock it the hell off. Seriously Emily, go climb a tree. Go for a run. Go take some pictures of flowers, you like that. And stop sitting still. 

Oh let the rain fall down

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“oh let the rain fall down
and wash this world away
oh let the sky be grey
cause if its ever gonna get any better
its gotta get worse for a day”

I’m a mess.

I’m feeling guilty and confused about things I have no reason to, completely torn between logic and emotions, stressed beyond imagination, plus missing someone so much it actually hurts. Songs didn’t lie for once. 

Bishop Allen seems to understand these times more than I do, but I think in the midst of this black and white whirlwind of misery that has been the past week, i’m starting to see the “storm” and feel the “rain” for what it is. Will I look back and be thankful for this time? Hell yes. 

Because I’ve realized more in the past month than I have in the past two years combined. I know what I want, I know what matters. As the Lumineers song playing in the background so confidently states, “It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all.” All the pain I’ve gone through and watched the people I love go through in the past 16 years has made me who I am, and despite myself, I’m proud of that person. 

No matter how much I worry, or doubt, or fear, or question, the outcome will be the same. I need to learn how to accept life as it comes at me, run through rain, not drive myself crazy trying to calculate how many drops I may or may not walk through.

Being cautious and logical looks great in theory, but in reality it fucking sucks. I just want to be carefree. Honestly, I want to enjoy and experience life, not just survive. This anxiety needs to stop. My mind needs to stop. 

You know what I want to be when I grow up?

Happy. 

And I intend to chase after that with all my being, screw the world and anyone in it who thinks otherwise. Call it my “teenage rebellion”, I finally figured it out. Rain makes the flowers grow, storms house rainbows, without the darkness there would be no light. 

“cursing, rattling and cursing
go ahead and do your worst then
your worst that i can take”

Some Nights I Stay Up…

Missing someone is like being a little kid staring in the candy shop window, and knowing that no matter how hard to cry and whine, you can’t get it. 

But what do you do? Cry and whine. 

Because there’s still that faint childlike hope that somehow God will send an angel of compassion and grant your poor misunderstanding five year old soul that chocolate bar.

Or maybe bring your boyfriend back from Texas for a couple hours so you can talk about your day….you know, just a hypothetical situation. Pssh. 

What I want to know, is why does it suck so badly? You can convince yourself that it doesn’t matter, that it’s completely illogical to miss someone the way you do, but nothing changes. (Except maybe your denial, which just prolongs the problem and racks up hypnotherapy debt) 

I guess we’re really more emotional than we give each other credit for. And that we don’t understand the half of it. People we know we should hate we still love, people we love we have trouble committing to, or expressing our true feelings for, people who mean everything slip away and are replaced by people you consider replaceable. 

My great conclusion of the night is that brains are secretly working against us.

Matrix you guys.

 

Growing Up (is so weird)

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I want everyone to be completely honest, and keep track of your score in your head (or on paper, that’s cool too) A point for every question you answer “yes” to. Ready? Go.

1) During middle school, did you feel that you weren’t good enough?

2) During early high school you tried to change your personality in some way, maybe small, maybe big, because you believed it would make you more “cool” or better liked.

3) At one time in your life you felt completely rejected by either your friends, family, teachers, or people in general.

4) Have you ruined a friendship by letting gossip get to you, or caving to peer pressure?

5) Jumped into a relationship too soon or too fast during 7th to 10th grade?

If you’re one of those brilliant people who came out with a perfect 0, I salute you. No seriously, you had the sense most of us didn’t. I’m a strong 4, and (thankfully) queen of the one-sided relationship I escaped number 5 unscathed.

The purpose of this little unscientific quiz is just to remind ourselves what clueless, lost and stupid kids we were a couple of years ago. I know this is true for myself, and with the exception of you perfect 0’s out there, I think most of you can admit it too. But look at yourself today.. see how much we’ve learned? It baffles me that through the complete chaos of emotions and regrets that shape our early teenage years most of us come out relatively well functioning “young adults.”

We’re told by society that we need to be perfect, and no matter how many Disney campaigns push “being yourself” the message still rings loud and clear to any twelve year old who picks up a fashion magazine or turns on the TV. “Better Skin in 2013” “Healthier Diet For The New You” “Sexy Toned Abs In 2 Months” “Wow Your Partner With New Moves” I mean, I know I feel so adequate watching Miss Universe (filthy lie). 

I guess this just leaves me wondering what kind of people our generation is creating. Will we make good parents? Will we care more about true happiness and relationships than material possessions? And in my personal opinion, will we draw closer to God as times get harder? I have no idea, but I sure hope the answer is yes to all of those.

Looking back at my middle school insecurity, freshman awkwardness, sophomore cluelessness (<– that is a word) i’m so thankful to have finally reached my junior year breakthrough. Somehow, through all the crazy trials life has thrown at us, and despite countless nights thinking we’ll never make it out alive (much less with our sanity) something amazing happened.

We grew up. 

And despite my previous Peter Pan philosophy, it feels pretty great.