Oh let the rain fall down

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“oh let the rain fall down
and wash this world away
oh let the sky be grey
cause if its ever gonna get any better
its gotta get worse for a day”

I’m a mess.

I’m feeling guilty and confused about things I have no reason to, completely torn between logic and emotions, stressed beyond imagination, plus missing someone so much it actually hurts. Songs didn’t lie for once. 

Bishop Allen seems to understand these times more than I do, but I think in the midst of this black and white whirlwind of misery that has been the past week, i’m starting to see the “storm” and feel the “rain” for what it is. Will I look back and be thankful for this time? Hell yes. 

Because I’ve realized more in the past month than I have in the past two years combined. I know what I want, I know what matters. As the Lumineers song playing in the background so confidently states, “It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all.” All the pain I’ve gone through and watched the people I love go through in the past 16 years has made me who I am, and despite myself, I’m proud of that person. 

No matter how much I worry, or doubt, or fear, or question, the outcome will be the same. I need to learn how to accept life as it comes at me, run through rain, not drive myself crazy trying to calculate how many drops I may or may not walk through.

Being cautious and logical looks great in theory, but in reality it fucking sucks. I just want to be carefree. Honestly, I want to enjoy and experience life, not just survive. This anxiety needs to stop. My mind needs to stop. 

You know what I want to be when I grow up?

Happy. 

And I intend to chase after that with all my being, screw the world and anyone in it who thinks otherwise. Call it my “teenage rebellion”, I finally figured it out. Rain makes the flowers grow, storms house rainbows, without the darkness there would be no light. 

“cursing, rattling and cursing
go ahead and do your worst then
your worst that i can take”

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